The University, Our Only Hope, Our Only Home

By Kerwin Holmes, Jr.


Some things in the real life of the ancient world never change in the modern.  We just come to think that they do.


Well, here you have it, you are officially experiencing what many a college graduate dreads and what many a college graduate was both warned about and ensured that would never happen.  You graduated, and you are unemployed.

Whoop dee doo, shoop dee whoop.  And oh yeah, you’re about $50k to $100k in college debt to the federal government.

But hey, you can easily discuss with anybody on the street about the problematic nature of crosswalks’ portrayal of a generic male figure in the image for “WALK.”  I mean, right there is a symbol of the female-excluding male patriarchy that society enshrines within its essence.

But, you know, you need to create an actual financial plan, find an actual job pretty quickly, and be able to cope when tax day comes around.  So wait, how do you file your taxes?  How do you navigate the endless yellow tape to get the most out of your tax return while the federal government gets the most out of you?

Well, you can argue and debate anybody for why they should vote for the Democrat Party and be proud of the label “Progressive Liberal” because those guys tend to be the most understanding and beneficial when tax legislation is written.  Course, it’s the very same tax stuff that you don’t understand a lick of…but you know it’s all to your benefit.  It just has to be so…it’s what you were taught…and it’s what those Progressive politicians promised.

Of course, you could try to apply for work.  Or just stay in school for as long as you can, accumulating degrees to enter into the academy work force occupied by the myriads of professors…the professors whose tenured track ensures that the universities always have fully occupied job forces with zero open slots.  By now, you’re either 21 or 22 years old (that is, if you finished exactly at the time projected upon you by general society), and odds are that you entered the labyrinth of the academy straight from high school where you worked so hard on academics and extracurriculars…

that you actually have zero work experience.

But, you did do internships where you were a studious understudy of some of the great professors of the world today.  When you show up for the job application as a cashier…oh wait that is so 1920s…when you submit your electronic application to the internet job site…you realize that the employer may think it odd that a person who spent an entire summer studying “How Marginal Intersectionality Politics Affect Second-Graders in Inner-City Schools Controlled by the White Patriarchy” would somehow be revolutionarily motivated to accomplish the task of stacking boxes, mopping floors, and giving people their correct change at the cash registers.

Plus, remember that unemployment rate that has been dropping over the past decade or so?  You know, the dropping unemployment rate that your tenured professors assured you was a sure sign that you’d get a job quickly?

Well…unemployment rates also drop when people give up searching for jobs for longer than 4 consecutive weeks.  Those guys are no longer considered to be “unemployed” despite still having no working job…  That stuff typically happens after people don’t find jobs after months of searching.  How many of those people are responsible for the “falling rate of unemployment,” and even more, will you be one of them?

But it’s all good!  Your fate is sealed!  You have just spent 4 of the best years of your youth accumulating knowledge and leading greatly productive protests and activist causes upon your campus.  Now thanks to you, professors are rightly just as concerned about teaching their students as being their students’ friends on Facebook and their social peers in the classroom.  It no longer is where students are encouraged to look forward and to be occupationally enterprising in their thoughts, or to imagine living any portion of life at the grassroots blue collar level…  Well, not for you anyway– you are an academic!  Your very entrance into the academy ensures for you your white collar birthright for the rest of your days.

Thanks to you and others like you, universities are no longer the cold and calculating institutions where students are directly challenged from every which way by conflicting thoughts, processes, and ideologies of varying political and religious leanings.  No longer are students exposed.  The academic environment isn’t where the students learn to cope with having their personalities challenged from five different angles, where they are forced to develop their own consistently sound method of viewing the world in order to existentially function.  No…things such as “critical personal opinions” come prepackaged in the prestigious Critical Theory classes…the sources of power in this revolution.

Oh, and how Critical Theory is the source of our enlightenment!  Your future employer will be proud to see that you spent 4 years and went into a decent-sized house’s worth of debt in order to come out with a “Women’s Studies” degree, a “Latino Studies” degree, a “Gender Studies” degree, or even the coveted “Africana Studies” degree.  Yes, you can tell your employer all about the exploitative historical implications of European colonial society, and how the brown and the female persons have been cruelly subjugated under the boot of capitalism’s grip throughout all of time up to this very day of the week!

It should prove a most useful opportunity to inform your employer of the theory of life and how evilly the current system of capitalism manifests, while you are being interviewed for your first job.  Of course, you will have to be careful.  If the employer is white or a cisgender male (or worse both)…then he may not be keen to check his own privileges…and you do need a job to pay the bills that the capitalist society pushes upon you…and to pay for those expensive kale salads.

The Democrat Party is doing what it can to pass laws on taxes and welfare bills to provide taxpayers (like you will be) enough funds to make your life easier for this…  The present taxpayers will have to pay more taxes to provide this for you, but hey, with taxes so high for you as it is, somebody has to help you out with paying them.  You deserve the right of your fellow citizens’ support!  What do they know about how high taxes will be for you anyway?!

…Meanwhile, you do have that rather noticeable college debt to spend the next 15 to 20 years of your life paying off.  You need this job.

But still all things considered, your employer may be a part of the systemic oppression that you have come to learn is so deplorable.  Your life-saving worldview may not be tolerated by persons who have the base mindset of working for a living, instead of living off of work, as you have done up till now.  Sides, if you apply to a job in the American South, your employer may be a Republican.  Best not to risk the ignorance, perhaps.

There is always a time to be a revolutionary.  And you will be one, just right after you make this money to pay for the rather useful college education you received.  Of course, you live with your parents again until you can get on your feet, and someday you will have to ask your parents how to file your taxes when you first get them (or have them handle the taxes for you).  And you can pay them back with useful lessons about the Ancient Greeks who used to sit around all day musing and learning in the first schools (school coming from the Greek work “skholé” meaning “leisure- the time taken after a hard day’s work”).

And that nuisance of a fact that the great Greek intellectuals Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle’s pupil Alexander the Great actually had much more in common with Navy SEAL Chris Kyle because of their early days of soldiering…the one fact that you may be learning just now by reading this…that can be left aside because you were rightfully one of the first students at your university leading the protest against the film American Sniper being shown on your campus.  (Everyone knows that such movies should be banned from any Socratic environment of the academy because of their unfair stereotyping of radical Muslim terrorists, and their erroneous honoring of the emotional turmoil found in the soldier’s way.  That is such imperialistic nonsense that it cannot be imagined to ever be allowed entry into your campus spaces.)  Your Socratic professors were very clear: warfare is never the answer of enlightened man to life’s problems of national defense, especially in cultural clashes of ideology.

[Socratic professors who give more answers than the questions they ask…Socrates assuredly is the proudest of history’s teachers.]

Never mind that most of the Ancient Greeks were peasant farmers (“farmer” in Greek being “autourgos” translated directly as “self-made or self-working person”).  Nay, that was a different time!  This is 2016, the Year of the Bern!

Certainly, farmers have been around by necessity since the dawn of civilization…and they usually can at least survive on the land without basic employment.  Yes, okay.  But such an occupation was for primitive man, the poor farmer harvests food…you, the enlightened scholar, harvest knowledge, the food of the present!  Laborers perform some handiwork to produce a commercial good, but you, the social scholar, produce new ideas to begin the next social revolution!

Oh yes, everyone will be impressed by your brilliance as you navigate the world as a modern-day sage, aware of all of the evils of capitalism that have been made known to you in those rather expensive college courses that you eagerly went into debt to take.  You will soon be in your idealized career making the unenlightened masses truly realize and see how problematic their world is.

After all, where is the cozy house with the 2.3 kids that was promised you after you graduated?  Capitalism is a joke.  The academy of the University is where the true heart of civilization lies.

And you are its faithful ambassador, upon whom ride the winds of change and progress for all of humanity’s children!  Good luck!


(*By the way, I have finally found a way to add a Search Bar in the Menu at the top right.  If you want to thank me, after reading this search and read my posts until you are overwhelmed.  Hahaha, just kidding…but really though.)


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